The Haunting “if only”
“If only…………”
Sometimes I get stuck in an “if only” cycle of thinking. It may be a small if only- if only I had taken a different route, I would not have gotten stuck in all this traffic, and then I would not have been late and missed this event. Others times it may be an “if only’ that had greater consequences than traffic.
“If only” I had not said that.
I had been there.
I had not done that.
I had made a different decision.
It was not cancer again.
You had been there.
The “If only” reveals the I wish that I or someone else had made a different choice, or that the story had a different ending or result. I wish to change the past so that I can affect the present, or even the future. I want a rewrite. And sometimes this cyclic thinking of “if only this, then that” haunts me.
For someone who does not have a particularly vivid imagination, I seem to be especially gifted at imagining they way things would have been different “if only.”
When I get stuck in this pattern of thinking God gracefully brings His Word to mind and shows me how He works in and through the “if only” in His story. Today I was lamenting the long term challenging consequences of an “if only” moment in my life, and God brought me to two places in His Story to remind me of His power in the “if only” situations of life.
Genesis 37 recounts the story of Joseph’s betrayal by his brothers. Joseph was one of the 12 sons of Jacob. His brothers grew angry because their father clearly loved and favored Joseph the most. In their anger they plotted to kill him. But Reuben, another brother, intervened with a plan to merely throw him in a cistern (a dry well) in the wilderness, planning to return later and free Joseph. The brothers agreed and threw Joseph down the cistern. Apparently Reuben left the scene, perhaps to tend his father’s flocks. In his absence, the remaining brothers sold Joseph to a band of traders heading to Egypt. When Reuben returned, he was horrified to find Joseph gone.
If only the brothers had not made such an extreme choice. If only Reuben had not left, he could have prevented his brothers from their drastic, life altering decision.
But after the “if only” moments, Joseph’s story takes some amazing turns. Though he was a slave, we learn that “The LORD was with Joseph, so he became a successful man.” (Gen 39:2 NASB) And, God’s presence with Joseph was apparent to those around him:
“Now his master saw that the LORD was with him and how the LORD caused all that he did to prosper in his hand. So Joseph found favor in his sight and became his personal servant …… It came about that from the time he made him overseer in his house and over all that he owned, the LORD blessed the Egyptian's house on account of Joseph; thus the LORD'S blessing was upon all that he owned, in the house and in the field.” (Gen 39:3-5 NASB)
Wait just a minute! Joseph was separated from his family, a slave to in a foreigner’s house, while his father Jacob grieved his death. Yet Joseph was successful in his circumstances, and others were blessed as well. God was with him in those circumstances, and that made all the difference. And even as Joseph was unjustly accused and thrown into prison, “the LORD was with Joseph and extended kindness to him, and gave him favor in the sight of the chief jailer. “(Gene 39:21)
In the end, Joseph rose to the second highest position in Egypt and his God given insights and talents prepared Egypt for a terrible famine. His acts and decisions saved many people including his own family, who journeyed to Egypt to buy grain. When Joseph revealed his identity to his brothers who had cruelly sold him into slavery, he told them: “’God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant in the earth, and to keep you alive by a great deliverance. Now, therefore, it was not you who sent me here, but God; and He has made me a father to Pharaoh and lord of all his household and ruler over all the land of Egypt.’” (Gen 45:7-8)
Joseph recognized the sovereignty of God over the acts of his brothers, and in the course of his own life. He understood the long view of events. His own initial suffering, separation, and even imprisonment were a part of the journey needed for him to rise to the position where he might help his family, an entire nation and even those in surrounding nations. Joseph lived beyond the “if only” and fully realized the life and opportunities placed before him by God.
The New Testament offers another “if only” story in John 11. Lazarus and his two sisters Mary and Martha were followers of Jesus who lived in the town of Bethany. Near the conclusion of his ministry Jesus learned that Lazarus was very sick. John 11:5 tells us that “Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus.” I love the fact that this detail is included in the story.
Despite Jesus’ love for these siblings, He remained away from them two more days after receiving the news of Lazarus’ illness. By the time Jesus arrived, Lazarus had been buried four days! A grieving Martha greeted Jesus with these words: “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died. Even now I know that whatever You ask of God, God will give You." (John 11:21-22) Did you catch the “if”? Martha is saying “Jesus, if only you had come in time.”
Martha, Mary, Jesus, the disciples and others, went to Lazarus’ burial cave. Along the way some others also expressed the “if only” - “some of them said, "Could not this man, who opened the eyes of the blind man, have kept this man also from dying?" (John 11:37) At the tomb Jesus ordered the stone at the tomb entrance moved, while Martha protested due to the stench that would come from the decaying body.
Jesus replied "Did I not say to you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?"
After the stone was removed, “Jesus raised His eyes, and said, "Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. I knew that You always hear Me; but because of the people standing around I said it, so that they may believe that You sent Me." (John 11:40-42 NASB) Then Jesus called Lazarus to come out from his tomb, and he emerged, alive!
Martha believed that “if only” Jesus had come earlier He would have healed Lazarus. She had faith in Jesus and His power to heal. But raising Lazarus from the dead was a new and unique manifestation of Jesus’ power and identity as Messiah. Jesus looked past Martha’s “if only” and performed an act that would bring others to belief, show His relationship to His Father and exhibit the glory of God to all who witnessed the event and recounted the story to others.
When I lament “if only,” I am looking at my present circumstance in a vacuum. I assume that God has concluded His work, or has left me on my own, or has no power over my situation. But God is able to work through the situations that I would like to reverse, change or avoid to bring His plan and His purposes to their greatest fulfillment.
I need the long view of faith that no matter what my circumstance, wherever I am and whatever I am experiencing is God’s greatest mercy for me at that moment.
This does indeed take faith. I build and strengthen that faith by consistently returning to God’s Word where I am reminded of all of the “if only” situations that God worked in and through to achieve His plan and reconcile His fallen creatures to Him. When I take the time to reacquaint myself with God’s Story, I will see that the words of the Apostle Paul (who surely had his own “if only” thoughts) are sure and true: “And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)
God is sovereign over every “if only” moment in our lives. He can turn the worst thing I can imagine or experience into His good will and purpose. Is that not exactly what happens at the cross? The death of the Jesus, Messiah, Son of God, is the worst thing imaginable, but through God is the best thing for humanity and creation ever.